Marilyn Monroe: Way Hotter Than Paris Hilton

April 17, 2008

The New York Post recently reported a sex-tape has surfaced featuring the goddess of film, Marilyn Monroe.

In the 15 minute 16mm reel, Ms. Monroe is shown performing what the CT human resources department said I should refer to as "something with her mouth."

The male in the film may or may not be former president John F. Kennedy, but if it was, he was probably the only man alive who could lose something by "performing illicit acts" with Marilyn Monroe. (H.R. again.) Everyone else would most likely make t-shirts featuring a photo of Marilyn and the tag line "It was me."

The film was discovered by Keya Morgan, a memorabilia collector who was doing research for a documentary on Monroe. It dates back to a 1960s investigation led by J. Edgar Hoover to prove that the man in the video was in fact JFK. After two weeks of "research," Hoover and his crack FBI team of smut-watchers couldn't prove anything, since the man in the film kept his face out of frame. Again, most other men would wave at the camera.

If you're thinking about applying for the position of FBI porn-analyst, just remember that sex-tapes are commonplace in today's world and almost never feature any celebrities that you'd want to see naked in the first place.

Of course, this makes the Monroe reel all the more valuable; valuable enough for Morgan to pay $1.5 million for the film after it was discovered. $1.5 million dollars!

That makes this the most expensive piece of porn ever created, like $1.4999 million more than it could cost than to make your own porno. With a soundtrack, even. Morgan stated that he will not sell the film, or release it on the internet, crushing the hopes of millions of men around the world.

Morgan says "I'm not going to make a Paris Hilton out of her. I'm not going to sell it, out of respect."

It's noble, but I don't buy it.

Regardless of what he decides to do with it, he definitely has more bragging rights than, say, the guy who has Barry Bond's record breaking home run, or whoever cures cancer.

Though still not as much as JFK.