Frisky Fore!

June 11, 2008

Paris and Nicky Hilton, watch out, yet more famous folks show they aren't exactly bowled over by you babes. Plus, a former Friend tries his hand at British comedy, tho there's still nothing funnier than Madonna's accent. And what the supposedly domesticated Nicole Richie excels at these days, you will not believe.

Dirty-Mouthed Book Writer

“A little, but it’s so mean-spirited now.”

—My old E! News Live colleague Jules Asner, who’s now living the fab life as Missus Steven Soderbergh and writing bitchy books, when I asked if she missed her on-camera duties

Just chatted with Jules, who was wearing only a bra (conversation was on the horn, I’m afraid). The former interviewer to the megafamous, Clooney and Roberts included, is plugging her men-are-merde revenge novel, Whacked, and it’s biting, sexy stuff. But I said, "Go with me here, Jules, pretend you're back in the Biz, and you’re sitting down with Paris Hilton for The Hottie and the Nottie 2. What would you ask?"

“Oh, s--t,” came Jules’s reply, which, quite honestly, would probably get a terrific response from our Pare-poo, doncha know. “Do you know I once interviewed her sister [Nicky]?” Asner continued. “I asked her a question about her handbag line. She actually had to look to the side to find out if she even had one. I knew more about the woman than she did!”

Jules, darling, you must come back to the den of Ba-ba Walters iniquity. We need you desperately, even if it’s for a friggin’ special!

Carnival of Cringe?

If ya needed a break from the ne’er-do-well sexpot scene (if only for a sec), you most likely headed out to West Hell-Ay for Sunday’s Time for Heroes celeb carnival, sponsored by Disney and the Elizabeth Glazer Pediatric AIDS Foundation. Robin Williams and Blair Underwood battled it out with some fun foam weapons at a Narnia-themed booth. B.U. donned a light-weight white blouse and a stylish plaid hat and was rooted on by his three cute kids. R.W., none of his offspring in sight, wore a dark blue shirt, black pants and black 'n' blue socks. Metaphor, maybe?

Since he might still be feeling a little bruised and battered after his recent separation? Doubt it. The comedian was all smiles throughout the sword fight (which he won, better luck next time Blair-babe) as well as through his stint as storyteller. Robbie read aloud a children’s book to a very attentive assembly, stopping at every big word to tell young kids to “Google that when you get home.” Maybe not the best advice to introduce Googling to preschoolers.

Courteney Cox and David Arquette stood at attention at the pixie place, where Mischa Barton made her own fairy wings—as if her outfit couldn’t get more ridiculous (see our In the Closet for all the harrowing details of this darling’s duds). There was a long line full of kids and parents alike hoping to score a photo. Think these two set up weekly game night competitions with John Mayer and Jen? (Our money’s on the Arquettes winning every time).

The Hills hotties—Lauren "Lo" Bosworth, Whitney Port and Lauren Conrad—were shacked up at the Biolage booth, busying themselves with the two things they do best: nothing and posing. Tons of preteen girls lined up to take photos with the trio, seriously disturbing us that so many impressionable youngsters look up to these ladies as role models.

In fact, maybe we were just gettin’ bitchier as the day kept gettin' sweatier, but almost none of the celebs were actively involved in their booths. Stunningly, it was Nicole Richie, of all people, who was one of the more hands-on personalities in the place. OK, she showed up 20 minutes late and wore a yellow halter culottes getup and absolutely no body fat (bye-bye, healthy baby weight), making it hard to differentiate her from all the 8-year-olds around. But Nicky, with man accessory Joel Madden, was more than happy to teach all the tots how to play (really) minigolf.

Is that what happens when you live in Glendale?