The Hottie And The Nottie: See Paris And Die

March 28, 2008

Verdict: Grotty rotty shot by potty totty

As Humphrey Bogart remarked with frightening foresight towards the end of Casablanca: "We'll always have Paris." There's only one memorable movie this week, but it sticks in the mind for all the wrong reasons.

It's a jaw-droppingly vile, vulgar, vanity production, produced by and starring Paris Hilton, the high priestess of dim.

Many films have borne terrible testament to their makers' narcissism, but none has featured a more cringeworthy display of warped values and celebrity self-worship.

Let's get the obvious over with. Paris is to acting what Dame Judi Dench is to swimsuit-modelling.

The hotels heiress is even more laughably inept here than she was in her first starring role, in House Of Wax.

She delivers lines as if (a) she's heavily sedated, (b) English is not her first language, and (c) she's reading them with difficulty off a distant autocue.

But — and I know you may find this hard to believe — Ms Hilton, even though she has cast herself as a sweet, down-to-earth girl who is the embodiment of everything that is moral, beautiful and good, is not the worst thing in this movie.

The leading actor she has graciously invited to play opposite her — one Joel David Moore — must be the least appealing male to hit the screen since Tom Green infested Freddy Got Fingered.

Moore plays Nate, who is supposed to be 26. He is unemployed and not seeking employment, sings and plays guitar badly, and wears the kind of goatee that looks like pubic hair grafted on to his receding chin.

Nate is a moronic sex pest, stalking the woman he has loved since he was a prematurely sexualised six-year- old.

That's Cristabel Abbott (played by Hilton, of course), who has moved on from becoming paedophile jailbait to "the hottest woman in Los Angeles" according to Nate's fat friend Arno, played by a no-talent comedian with the gall to call himself The Greg Wilson.

Ms Hilton certainly acts, pouts and poses as though she thinks she's the hottest woman in LA.

And the movie keeps grinding to a halt so that director Tom Putnam can pan across her scantily- clad body and eerily-empty face, often in slow motion.

But the camera can't lie all the time, and she still comes across as vain and vapid.

For instance, when a hunky male makes unwanted advances to her, her instant response is: "Pay our bar tab, bitch!" Cute, or what?

Nate's problem is that, though Cristabel has long been promiscuous and is unaccountably attracted to him, she's made a vow not to have another boyfriend until her plain friend June gets laid.

This involves considerable self-sacrifice since, as Cristabel declares with hilarious woodenness: "A life without orgasms is like a world without flowers." Who said the age of romance is dead?

Normally in this kind of makeover movie the film-makers make the "ugly duckling" dress badly, wear thick glasses and have lank hair.

But June (Christine Lakin) is ugly going on repulsive, with grotesquely stained, twisted teeth, a gigantic facial mole, festering boils all over her torso, balding on top but with so much body hair she could braid it.

She has smelly feet and infected toenails, one of which pops off and ends up in a prospective suitor's mouth. As if all this weren't enough, she also has a gratuitously unpleasant personality.

Even her best friend Cristabel tells her: "You could try to be a little more alluring and subtler."

That's right. Paris Hilton accuses another girl of lacking subtlety. One problem with rooting for June to have a makeover and get the guy — even if he is nauseating Nate — is that she's clearly got deep-rooted psychological problems which the movie-makers refuse to address.

I mean, why — when she suffers from so many easily-treatable problems — has it never occurred to her even to wash, or shave her legs, until Nate offers her a $2,000 makeover?

There's one explanation that June offers to Nate about why she's never had her teeth fixed: she couldn't afford it.

But June and Cristabel live together in a fabulous, beachside condo worth millions, so Cristabel must have pots of money.

And if Cristabel is wealthy, why hasn't she helped her best friend before, unless her secret agenda has always been to undermine her "nottie" pal — all the better to look a "hottie" by comparison?

Maybe I'm trying to read too much into a movie where motivation and plausibility aren't exactly top priorities, but there's an underlying cruelty to the supposedly supportive girl-girl relationship that leaves a very nasty taste in the mouth.

Perhaps producer Paris thinks she is making another movie about beauty being only skin deep.

The trouble is, she clearly despises women who don't look "hot". June is put through multiple indignities until she reforms. Nate takes an interest in her only when she starts to look cute.

The bullying message is that girls who don't try to conform to the Paris Hilton standard are beneath contempt.

Interestingly, dreary, unattractive men like Nate don't have to do much at all, except turn up.

As in too many recent movies cranked out by Hollywood, such as Good Luck Chuck, Knocked Up and Superbad, pretty girls are ordered to fall adoringly at their unhygienic feet.

The Hottie has turned out to be more of a Nottie at the U.S. box office — an encouraging sign.

Perhaps the credit crunch is helping to make even young Americans realise that there's more to life than the conspicuous consumption and me, me, me culture of which Paris Hilton is so egregious an example. But I wouldn't bank on it.